your hearts a mess
by kinselllas
Summary: "What? No, no, no. I don't- I don't like him. I mean he does-" She swallows. "He does smell nice." Dan/Blair, Dan/Serena, Nate/Blair
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **_This is just sort of a little holiday fic that I thought of and decided to start it. It's different than most of my stories because I have it completely planned out from beginning to end, so it should all be posted within the next couple days. Very AU, most connections are explained in the story- but basically none of these people went to the same high school (aside from Nate and Blair). I wouldn't recommend reading if you can't stomach Derena smut. The characterizations are slightly different from the show, but they should be generally identifiable. Also I've always wanted to write a fic that swaps some of DB's lines, so this has some of that. They're all about 24-25 years old. It's a lot of dialogue. I like dialogue I guess._

_*Ultimately a DB fic, but warning that there's quite a bit of Derena involved (just a much darker twist on Dan/Serena)_

_I swear I could write a whole novel of just author notes explaining my own stories._

_ENJOY and happy holidays!_

"What are you looking at, Waldorf?"

"Your hair. You look like a muppet."

Epperly clears her throat loudly, calling their attention back to the meeting. Blair smiles politely. Dan rolls his eyes.

"As I was saying," Epperly continues, "I'd recommend getting your pieces to me as soon as possible. Everybody forgets during the holidays. Dan, you'll be writing about what women should give men for Valentine's Day."

"I'm starting to feel like I'm being singled out as the only straight guy in the office."

"For some reason, women find your cynical attitude entertaining even when it comes to giving advice," Epperly says dryly.

Blair laughs quietly, shaking her head as she scribbles a few notes down. Dan narrows his eyes at her.

"Blair," Epperly skims through her list and Blair snaps into focus, "I want you to rethink pinks and reds. Give the classic colors more dimension."

Blair nods briskly and writes more quickly. Dan can't help but smile. She's such a suck up that sometimes it nauseates him, and yet it's only because she has passion and conviction about her job. Dan wishes he could say the same for himself.

"Finally, we have an interview with Duchess Kate as the feature story. We need our best writer on this one," Epperly's eyes move from Dan to Blair. "I'll let you two duke it out and get back to me."

Everyone clears out of the conference room and Dan follows Blair to her desk, watching the way her black trench dress swings over her thighs. She drops her notes and turns to face him. Immediately, she shakes her head.

"No," Blair says sternly, "I know what you're thinking. The answer is no."

"Waldorf, your prose is shit. Let me have this one. I need this story if I want a shot at getting promoted to junior editor."

Blair purses her lips. "Kate Middleton is one of my idols and style icons. I can connect with her on a level you would never be able to. It's not my fault you don't give a shit about this magazine."

Dan throws a finger against her mouth to hush her, stepping closer. "I do give a shit about this magazine. I don't give a shit about what color shoes men find most attractive on women. I need to be taken seriously as a writer."

"You don't take anything at W seriously!" Blair whispers loudly, "You barely meet your deadlines because you're out fucking whatsherface while her husband's away on business."

"Can we not go there right now?" He lowers his voice and Blair smirks. "Fine. You can have the Middleton piece, but I need you to do something for me."

Blair takes the opportunity to sit down at her desk and leans back in her chair, interested in his proposal. Dan drops a thin stack of paper in her lap.

"It's a short story I just finished. I think it'd be great in the February issue."

She flips through it carefully and lets out a sigh. She's not looking forward to spending her night reading Dan Humphrey fiction and formulating a pitch to submit to Epperly and Stefano.

"This isn't _Cosmopolitan,_ Humphrey. We don't need some pathetic love story at the end of the issue."

"Would you stop?" Dan leans over her desk, licking his lips. "It's a romance set in the Prohibition era. I even incorporated fashion into it."

Blair uses her heel to shove him away from her desk gently. He grabs her ankle and smiles, dropping it to the ground.

"I'll see what I can do."

xo

_They met freshman year at NYU. Dan was infatuated with Blair's psychotic roommate, Georgina, and Blair was still in a serious relationship with her high school sweetheart, Chuck Bass. Georgina was always flakey and Dan would end up sitting in their dorm for hours talking to Blair while waiting for her to get home. _

_Chuck was too busy with Bass Industries to ever visit Blair at school, so she enjoyed having someone down to earth hanging around all the time._

_They debated foreign cinema, impressionists, and various poets._

_When Georgina lost her mind and dropped out, Dan found himself stopping by the room anyway, simply out of habit. _

_Sometimes they'd sit on the couch, Blair's feet in his lap, and he'd read Paulo Neruda's love sonnets to her. They never considered the romantic sentiment of this._

_Chuck dumped Blair two days before New Years Eve, so Dan agreed to be her date to a mutual friend's party. She felt a bit pathetic, tagging along on Dan's arm as they said hi to everyone and denied any rumor of a relationship. _

_"I'm gonna grab us some drinks," Dan yelled over the music and Blair nodded as he made his way to the bar. After catching up with a few people, Dan checked his watch to see it was already minutes before midnight. He glanced over his shoulder but couldn't see Blair anywhere._

_She was standing in center of the ballroom when the countdown began. Music was blaring and people were yelling and part of her wished she had just stayed home, curled up in her bed with a glass of wine. _

_"5-4-3-2-1"_

_Screams erupted around Blair and she looked up at the confetti fluttering over the room and champagne showering her hair. Moments after the countdown ended, an arm hooked around her waist and a pair of lips crashed into hers. She squeezed her eyes shut as she kissed him back and every thought of Chuck and loneliness left her mind. _

_Dan released Blair slowly and she smiled back at him dazedly. Dan grinned, kissing her again gently. _

_"Happy New Year, Waldorf."_

xo

After work, Dan takes a cab to the Upper West Side, climbing the stairs to Serena and Carter's flat. He knocks loudly and waits over fifteen minutes for her to answer. Serena was always making him wait. It doesn't help that Dan's sure there are security cameras in the hallway, watching his every move.

Dan met Serena in late March at a W photo shoot, a little over a year after her marriage to Carter Baizen. They connected almost immediately and he had never met anyone so carefree and spontaneous. She had dragged him into the dressing room after her photo shoot had tanked because she was too drunk.

Serena opens the door and yanks him inside, smashing her lips against his. His pants are off before they even make it to the couch. Dan pulls her dress over her head and shoves her back on the leather, climbing up her body. She pushes his shoulders back down her stomach and bucks her hips gently.

Dan knows what she wants.

As soon as his nose grazes her center, Serena lets out a soft sigh. Her legs fall open in his arms. Her tan skin glistens in the sunlight and Dan lets his hands slide over her thighs. He runs his tongue along her folds, flicking over her clit a few times before inserting one finger slowly and following it with his tongue, letting his thumb circle her clit quickly. Another finger and he continues his movements, reveling in the sounds coming out of her mouth.

Serena lets out an airy laugh that turns into a loud moan as she comes, gripping the couch tightly. She sighs, gripping his hair to keep his head in place.

"More," she gasps.

Serena wants more and Dan will give it to her. Dan is pathetically in love with a blonde ray of sunshine who wears another man's ring on her finger.

xo

Blair sits at the bar, sipping her sloe gin fizz and glances over her shoulder when she hears Nate approaching. He flashes her a set of white teeth and Blair smiles back, straightening her spine as he takes a seat next to her.

"Hey, I can't stay long. I have to meet my dad's communication director to talk about the press conference tomorrow."

"I'll make this quick then," Blair finishes her drink and drops Dan's short story on the bar. "Do you still have your connections at _The New Yorker_?"

Nate flips through the packet, letting out the same sigh Blair had earlier in the day.

"I don't think I can get this published, Blair."

"I got Epperly to include your expose on the Bush sisters last July and nobody gave a fuck about them anymore. You owe me."

He laughs and takes a gulp of his scotch.

"Why do you care so much about this story anyway? You didn't even write it."

"It means a lot to Dan."

Nate and Blair had been friends since high school and somehow never lost touch. As the son of a senator, Nate was always out partying with other political offspring. Blair wasn't certain if he ever did anything other than that. She had received more than one drunk message asking her to come make out like they did in high school. Blair could never get herself to climb out of bed for him.

"Maybe if you cut down the length," he reasons, sliding the story back to her. "You're always running errands for that guy, Blair. Should I be jealous?"

Blair's brow furrows as she shoves the papers into her bag and glances up at him, shaking her head in confusion. She reaches for Nate's glass, but he pulls it out of her grasp.

"Blair, do you…do you like him?"

"What?" she laughs nervously, fingers playing with her waves. "No, no, no. I don't- I don't like him. I mean he does-" She swallows. "He does smell nice."

Nate's eyes widen. "You want to bang Humphrey!"

Blair's hand flies over his mouth and she narrows her eyes. When she moves her hand away, Nate smiles.

"Unless you have already…"

Blair ignores his question and orders another drink.

xo

_Throughout college, Dan and Blair skated around each other. Bumping into each other at parties, or sharing notes in class. They both dated a few people, but no one met the other person's standards. Blair twisted Dan's arm into breaking up with every girlfriend he had in college, and she somehow listened to Dan's insistence about her poor choices in men. _

_They got each other through finals, sharing lingering silences outside of the library, playing footsie under the table as they studied. There was always a tension that they couldn't manage to break._

_Graduation came around and Blair's mother had a fashion show in Paris to attend._

_"Take enough pictures so I can feel like I'm there!" She exclaimed over the phone, models and designers yelling in the background._

_Blair was disappointed, but not entirely broken up about it. She and her mom weren't close enough for Blair to even notice the absence. But hearing that Dan's dad wouldn't be making it to town had moved something in her. She knew his dad had some addiction problems, but it was always assumed he'd be at graduation. When he received his diploma, he had looked into the crowd and Blair made sure to meet his eyes before he walked off the stage. _

_After the ceremony, everyone was saying their goodbyes and Dan pushed through the crowd to get to Blair._

_"We did it," she smiled._

_"We did."_

_As everyone tossed their caps in the air, Dan pulled Blair against him and kissed her, his tongue fighting to gain access to her mouth. Blair gasped as she parted her lips and wrapped her arms around his neck to pull him down for more._

"_Ahem."_

_They broke apart to find two women staring at them with raised eyebrows. One was pretty, middle aged. The other, elderly with glasses sliding down her face._

"_Mom," Dan said, and Blair could see the earnest smile on his face as he embraced his mother. She couldn't remember the last time she hugged her mom. Dan kissed his grandma's cheek and then his mom moved closer, touching his arm gently._

"_He really wanted to be here," she said softy and Dan nodded, not wanting to say anymore about it._

"_Are you going to introduce us to your girlfriend?" his grandma asked loudly._

_Dan laughed and placed his hand on the small of Blair's back, urging her forward._

"_Blair, this is my mom, Alison. And my grandma, Joan. This is Blair Waldorf."_

"_Will Blair Waldorf be joining us for your celebration dinner?" Alison asked, shaking Blair's hand gently. She was really quite beautiful when Blair got a closer look. She wondered what his dad must look like._

"_I wouldn't want to intrude. You probably want to catch up." _

_Dan furrowed his brow and placed his hand on Blair's shoulder gently. "You should come."_

_So she did._

_It had been years since Blair had had a family dinner and it was nice to be around people that clearly cared about each other over anything else in their lives. She answered a few questions about her mother's Waldorf Designs, along with her plans for the future, but for the most part the focus stayed on Dan. _

"_We're so proud of you," Alison said and Dan's cheeks flushed lightly. "You graduated from a good school, you've got a bright future, a beautiful girlfriend. It's everything your dad and I always wanted for you."_

_Dan nodded and his hand moved to Blair's knee, squeezing it gently. She glanced up and he was smiling back at her. It all seemed so genuine, she wondered what this meant for them. What would happen after dinner when his family had left and they didn't need to put on a show anymore?_

_Dan's fingers traced up Blair's leg slowly and she bit her lip to keep in a gasp. _

"_Is your food okay, dear?" Joan asked from across the table. Blair nodded with a smile as Dan's hand slid further up her thigh. She barely contained her moan when his knuckles grazed her center. She looked over to find him chuckling to himself._

_After they said their goodbyes to Alison and Joan, Dan's hands never left Blair's body. Even as they waved to the leaving car, his fingers were intertwined in her hair, his body grazing hers gently from behind._

"_My mom likes you," he said against her ear when the car was gone._

"_Is that supposed to set the mood, Humphrey?"_

_Dan laughed as he flagged down a cab. "I guess not." _

_The car came to a stop in front of them and Dan opened Blair's door, affectionately watching her climb in. _

_She slid into the backseat and grabbed for Dan's shirt, pulling him on top of her. She could feel him hard against her thigh and let out a soft moan._

_"Where are we headed?" The driver asked, trying to ignore the scene occurring in the backseat._

_Blair spit out her address before Dan's lips were on hers, a hand sliding up her dress. His finger hooked on her underwear, pulling them down slowly. _

_"Jesus, Blair," He whispered as his hand grazed over her center. "You're so wet."_

_He moved the ridges of his fingers against her clit and she moaned into his neck. "Shut up, Humphrey."_

_The car came to a stop outside of Blair's building and he helped her out of the car. When they got into the elevator, Blair slammed him into the wall, her hand snaking into his waistband. His eyes fell shut as he felt Blair's fingers graze him gently, a soft groan escaping him. The elevator doors opened and they stumbled into the foyer, collapsing on the stairs in a heap of limbs. He hiked up Blair's dress as she fumbled with his belt, pushing his pants down hastily._

_They never made it up the stairs._

_Dan held her waist tightly as he thrusted into Blair. Her head fell back as she moaned, wrapping her legs around him to pull him closer._

_"I've thought about this so many times," he mumbled against her neck, moving faster._

_Her breath hitched. "Me too."_

_Blair's fingers reached down to circle her clit, but Dan batted her hand away, applying pressure with his thumb. Her back arched as his body moved against hers. He propped one of her legs up on his arm to let him go deeper and Blair felt her stomach drop in pleasure. _

"_Dan," she moaned softly, digging her nails into his shoulders. She let out soft airy breaths as she came, her body shuddering. Dan followed shortly after, collapsing next to her on the steps. They both struggled to catch their breath before pulling their clothing back on. _

_They stood in the foyer, facing each other, and Dan smoothed Blair's hair down gently. _

_"So where do we go from here?" He asked softly._

_"I can't," Blair cleared her throat, standing straighter. "I can't have a relationship right now. I need to focus on my career."_

_Dan nodded slowly, his thumb grazed her shoulder. "Right. Me too. Maybe we should just…"_

_"Stick to being friends," She agreed. _

_"Well," Dan stuck his hand out to her. "It was nice being your boyfriend for a couple hours."_

_Blair smiled and nodded stoically as she took his hand. "You played the part well." _

_Within a month Blair was working at W, and when Dan applied for a job a year later, Blair gave him a shining recommendation to write human interest pieces. _

_Sometimes she still wonders if things would've been different, had she been honest with him._

_And herself._

xo

Serena shoves Dan onto his back, the hardwood cold against his hot skin. Her mouth glides over his length gently and Dan's breath hitches as he grabs a handful of blonde hair to pull her up his body.

She settles on top of him and as Serena's hips start to roll, Dan's eyes roll back.

"I love you," he groans out, gripping her waist. He shuts his eyes to memorize her rhythm, her head falling back as she rides him.

"Shhhh," her hand rests on his chest. "Don't ruin it."

As Serena's pace increases, Dan can feel pressure building and he sucks in a breath to stop himself but it all feels out of his control.

"Not yet, baby." Her movements slow and Dan feels tortured, bucking his own hips to make her move faster again. Serena works to hit the right spot before rocking against him, her breaths becoming stilted. Dan's hands search for anything in reach as he grasps for control.

Serena moans, her hair falling over his chest like a curtain, "Right there," she says breathily, more to herself than anyone else. Dan watches her come undone on top of him, his eyes hazy as he finds his own release inside her.

"I'm gonna miss that in Barcelona," she pants, climbing off of his lap.

Dan pulls his briefs back on and sits up.

"What? I didn't think you were actually going."

Serena laughs as she pours a drink, taking a long sip. "Of course I am. He's my husband. We have a life together."

"We do too," Dan says, really quite pathetically. "Sort of."

"We have fun, Dan. I'm still married."

An overwhelming sadness washes over him. Serena kills the loneliness that rests deep inside of him when he leaves work to return to an empty loft, or stands at the bar by himself during a W party. She spins through his life like a never ending hurricane and he knows he should take shelter, but instead he stands in the middle of the street like an idiot.

"You should get going soon," Serena says, scratching his head affectionately. "Carter will be home soon."

Sometimes Serena watches her neighbor's great dane. It gives her something to do when she's not modeling, because she gets bored easily just sitting at home. She likes the dog. She likes playing with it and taking it for walks. Serena would never want the dog as her own. She enjoys bringing it back its own apartment at the end of the day. Serena likes the dog, but she doesn't like it _that_ much.

Dan pulls his clothes on and slams the door when he leaves.

xo

Dan shows up to Blair's place around 11 pm. She yawns deeply before grabbing her glass of red wine and padding down the stairs to the foyer.

"What are you doing here?"

Dan lets out a sigh and she can see the pain in his eyes. "You're the only person I can have a furtive, emotionally-loaded conversation with right now."

She nods to the living room and Dan follows, taking a seat on the couch. Blair sits next to him and places her glass on the coffee table. He buries his head in his hands, exhaling deeply.

"What the hell am I doing, Blair?"

She rubs his back gently, moving closer on the couch.

"I'm writing a fucking how-to column for a fashion magazine. My dad can't get sober to save his life. My sister is running a successful dress business in London and never calls. I haven't talked to my mom since graduation, and Serena is moving to Barcelona with Carter."

"Dan," Blair says softly, lifting his chin to meet her eyes. "Aside from your dad, those are all things you can change. You can get a different job. You can call your mom, and your sister. And Serena… well, maybe it's for the best she's leaving."

"I just- I can't…" he trails off and Blair can smell the scotch on his breath.

"What do you really want?"

"To be happy," he says, his voice coarse. "But I don't think I know how to anymore."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **_Chapter 2! Already working on the third so that should be up soon. Dan does something stupid that might get him some hate, but he's not meant to be the same selfless puppy dog he was in the show. Sorry for the Derena againnnn, but this is the last time. There will be more Blerena in the next chapter. _

Dan wakes up with what he believes to be the worst hangover of his entire life. His head pounds, his body feels weak with exhaustion. He forces himself up on the couch and reaches for his phone.

He was supposed to be at work an hour ago.

Needless to say, Serena's decision to move to Barcelona has not been kind to his emotional psyche. He pulls on his work clothes quickly, trying to ignore the room spinning around him, and catches a cab into Manhattan. He sneaks past Epperly's office and slides into his desk, presumably unnoticed.

"You look like shit," Blair says from behind him.

Dan jumps in his skin and turns his chair, looking up at her. As usual her outfit is tastefully constructed, her hair tied back with a black ribbon.

"Rough night," he tries to laugh but it comes out too sad and Blair's eyes soften.

"What is with you lately? You're reaching borderline pathetic." Her hand moves to his shoulder and rubs it gently. Dan mumbles Serena's name and he realizes just how pathetic he actually is.

"Come to Nate's Christmas party with me. Maybe it'll help distract you, take your mind off of Serena."

Dan nods slowly, a smile spreading on his lips. "Thanks, Waldorf."

"You better look better than you do today," she says sternly as she returns to her desk.

Dan spends a few hours researching gift ideas for men and contemplates the various gifts he's received from the women in his life, but his inspiration is lacking. Instead he writes three pages about how to handle being scorned by a lover, especially during the holidays. He writes about how to cope with overwhelming loneliness and the importance of having friends to turn to when everything else goes to shit.

He brings it into Epperly's office and she rolls her eyes as she reads through it. "Not what I was hoping for, but your writing is very clever, even kind of charming."

Epperly gestures for him to sit down and he pulls the chair out carefully, his head still pounding in pain.

"Have you and Blair decided who will be conducting the Duchess Kate interview?"

Dan opens his mouth to speak, but decides against it, thinking to himself for a few moments.

"Actually, I'd like to talk to you about that."

Epperly places Dan's article on her growing pile of February pieces and raises her eye brows, curious.

"I want the interview. Need it, actually. I want to prove that I can handle being junior editor."

She nods, leaning back in her chair. "I know you can handle the position, Dan. Stefano and I are both aware of how talented you are and your incessant criticisms of the other writers' works. You take ideas that I give you and turn them into something dimensional and entertaining."

Dan smiles, his ego increases. "Why do I feel like there's a 'but' coming now?"

"_But,_" Epperly stands now, sitting on the edge of the desk in front of him. "You and I both know you don't take this magazine seriously."

Dan opens his mouth to retort, but she stops him. "You rarely listen to my deadlines, preferring to turn things in when it's convenient for you, I suppose. You spend more time at Blair's desk than your own, which brings me to my next concern…"

He waits for the explanation, but nothing comes. As if he should know exactly what she's talking about, as if it's obvious. When he still doesn't say anything, Epperly takes it as a cue to continue.

"You two seem particularly close, so close she got your most recent short story published in the New Yorker."

Dan nods slowly, "She's a good friend."

"I like Blair," Epperly continues, "She's witty and smart and clearly motivates the hell out of you. Her writing isn't as strong, but she's very passionate about W. She was our ideal candidate for the promotion, but if you think you can prove us wrong, I'd be happy to assign you the interview with Kate."

Dan thinks carefully, a scale teetering in his head. He tries to find a balance but his instinct always shoves one side down. He decides to ignore his instinct and does what he wants instead.

xo

"Miss Blair, Mister Humphrey is here." Dorota knocks from outside the door. Blair zips her crimson Oscar de la Renta gown and combs through her hair one last time before opening the door. Her fingers are trembling against the banister as she walks down the stairs. Dan stands in his black suit and she takes a deep breath as she meets him in the foyer.

"You look amazing," he says.

"You look acceptable."

He chuckles softly as they step into the elevator and Blair presses her back against the wall for balance, remembering the two of them stumbling into the same elevator during their heated tryst. Dan seems to have the same thought because he runs his hand through his hair nervously.

"Do you know if Serena and Carter will be there?"

Blair shakes her head silently, reminded by the reason for Dan accompanying her.

When they arrive at the party, Nate pulls Blair into a tight hug and smacks his lips against hers roughly. Then he turns and does the same thing to Dan.

"Dude, how hammered are you?" He laughs and wipes his mouth of Nate's slobber.

"I've been drunk since 8 AM!"

A few girls cheer and fall into Nate's sides, equally inebriated. Blair rolls her eyes and grabs the first drink she sees. She has some catching up to do. Dan starts doing shots with Nate and sometimes it's hard to believe that they're 25 years old. She recognizes one of the interns from W and makes her way across the room to say hello. Serena comes stumbling out of the bathroom and slams into Blair, knocking her into the wall.

"Shit, sorry," Serena giggles like a four year old and Blair wonders if Dan spends nights dreaming about that sound. Her eyes are stained red and her lips are the color of champagne to match her gold lace dress. Immediately, Blair can see why men fall so easily for Serena. Her appearance is so undone and haphazard much like the messy life she seems to lead. She's really quite beautiful.

"You look so familiar!" Serena exclaims, squinting her eyes at Blair.

She smiles, nodding. "I worked with you when you had that photoshoot at W in March."

"Oh yeah! You were the girl with the emerald Jimmy Choos!" Her face lights up as if she doesn't remember that she had been kicked off the set for puking into one of the purses.

"Blair Waldorf."

"Serena Baizen."

The women continue talking about fashion and upcoming W events when Dan sneaks up behind Blair, wrapping his arms around her waist. She gasps and a tiny giggle escapes her when his stubble brushes her cheek.

"I think I'm already drunk," he mumbles against her ear and Serena clears her throat loudly. His hands immediately fall to his side and he stands upright.

"Serena, hey," Dan says softly. Blair misses his hands.

"You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend," Serena's voice is low and it's such a contrast from her usual glimmering tone.

"Oh Blair's not- she and I aren't…she's just-"

Blair watches him stumble over his words and rolls her eyes.

"His girlfriend." She shakes hands with Serena and curls into Dan's side gently. He looks to Serena for a reaction and immediately places an arm around Blair's shoulders, pulling her tightly against him. His mouth presses against the top of her head and she thinks she hears a 'thank you' somewhere in her hair.

Serena excuses herself from the conversation and Dan gently nudges Blair against the wall. She smiles up at him.

"So you're my girlfriend again, eh?" he asks softly, pushing a few stands of hair away from her face.

Blair sighs, taking a sip of her wine. "I suppose I could play the part again."

"You're so good at it," his voice is low and gravelly as his gaze flickers over her lips.

Dan's head leans down slowly when Nate crashes into them, laughing obnoxiously.

"There you guys are!," he exclaims and Blair clears her throat, straightening out her dress.

Nate grabs her hand and drags her to the kitchen for another drink and it reminds her of high school, when they'd sit in his father's den and take pulls from his bottle of gin. They would giggle incessantly until Nate would lunge forward and kiss her until her lips were swollen. If her friendship with Nate was proof of anything, it'd be that it's possible for love to fade but not die.

"So are you two dating now?" he asks, mixing a margarita for her.

Blair takes it gladly and sips from the straw. "No, I'm just helping him out with something."

Nate's judgmental glare makes her shift with discomfort and when she looks over her shoulder, Serena is pulling Dan into the bathroom, shutting the door behind them. Her stomach twists.

xo

"What are you doing?" He asks as Serena fumbles with his buttons, her mouth searching for exposed skin. "Your husband is in the other room."

"Your girlfriend is pretty," she mumbles against his jaw, ripping his shirt open.

He knows he could probably tell her the truth, that Blair is not his girlfriend, but it seems pretty pointless since Serena is married to someone else anyway.

So he says, "Thank you."

Dan lifts Serena onto the counter and shoves her dress up to find she's not wearing underwear. He wants to ask if she didn't wear any because she planned to see him, or if she does it for Carter, or someone else entirely. Things he wants to know, but doesn't really want to know.

"Do you love her?" Serena asks between gasps as his fingers tease her center.

Dan just sighs. "I love you."

"Don't say that."

She shoves his pants down carelessly and pulls him closer, guiding his hips inside of her. Dan grips her thigh and lets out a frustrated groan.

"What do you want from me?"

He thrusts into her roughly and Serena's head smacks against the mirror. He opens his mouth to apologize, but thinks better of it. Serena likes the pain. Her blonde hair whips him in the mouth as her hips rock against him.

"I love him," she moans in his ear, "He can give me things that you never could."

Dan's jaw clenches and anger starts to build inside of him as he fucks her harder. "I can give you those things."

"I will always love him more," she continues, "Since I was fifteen, I've loved him."

His hand moves to her mouth and Serena bites down, eliciting a groan from him again. "Serena, enough."

She's quiet for a few moments and Dan thinks she's finally finished tormenting him until she asks, "Do you love her?"

"I don't know," he says quietly, and it shuts Serena up until she comes with a shudder, her cries filling the small bathroom. Dan doesn't bother finishing. He pulls his clothes on hastily, and grabs Serena's wrist when she moves to leave.

"Please, don't move to Barcelona."

It hits Dan just how badly he needs someone, anyone. When the hurricane leaves, what does he have? Just piles of debris that he'll have to collect, pieces of his heart that he's not even sure he wants anymore. He thinks of Blair and how Blair has nobody, and yet so many people at once and how it doesn't phase her. Blair's parents missed her college graduation like it was nothing and she brushed it off like it was just that. Dan's dad couldn't come because he was in rehab and Dan had cried for two hours before the ceremony. He's a person who needs someone but doesn't want to need anyone and that kills him.

"Do you love her?" Serena repeats and he feels himself faltering.

"Serena, I don't-"

She pulls her wrist out of his grasp carefully, doesn't rip it away like she has before. "You've never looked at me like that," she says.

When she opens the door and walks back to the party, it feels a lot like a good bye.

xo

The party starts winding down and Dan grabs Blair by the shoulder, pulling her out onto Nate's balcony that overlooks the city.

"I need to tell you something," he says and Blair smiles, drunk.

"I need to tell you something too."

"It's about the Middleton interview."

Blair rolls her eyes, grabbing onto his arm for balance. "Don't be bitter, Humphrey. We both know _I _deserve it more and_ I'd_ do a better job."

"No, Blair listen-" he pauses when her glassy brown eyes meet his, "Wait, what did you need to tell me?"

Blair grins and takes a deep breath, leaning against the metal railing. "We've known each other for awhile," she slurs, "I feel like I can be honest with you because I like you, Dan."

"I like you too, Waldorf."

She bites her lip, meeting his eyes again. "See that's the thing, I like you…Like, I really-" She stops, turning quickly and throwing up over the railing. Dan holds her hair back as she heaves again.

"I don't think I've ever seen you this drunk," he chuckles softly.

Blair stomps on his foot. "That's probably because you're usually in my position."

He takes her home and she falls asleep in the cab, only waking to murmur a few things when he puts her to bed. He figures he has time to tell her. The interview's not until the middle of January, after all. This is what they do. They compete for stories and he just happened to win this round. She'll understand because Blair always understands. Dan presses a soft kiss to her forehead and slinks out of the room quietly.


	3. Chapter 3

Nate finds Blair at the bar and chuckles to himself before approaching.

"Blair Waldorf. It's 9 in the morning, are you lost?"

Blair rolls her eyes and takes a long sip of her bloody mary. "Please, no jokes. I'm just going to finish this drink in peace and head to work."

"What happened to you last night?" Nate continues, "You were out on the balcony with Dan and then I just lost you guys."

Blair buries her face in her hands, mushing up her perfectly straightened hair. Her head hurts too much to care.

"I don't know what happened. I was going to tell him how I feel and I just-"

"You mean, you were gonna tell him you love him."

She groans exhaustedly into her palms, keeping her gaze straight ahead. "In spite of myself and many times in spite of him. I didn't want to," She sighs deeply, "I kept trying to make it go away, but how do you kill a feeling?"

Blair drinks faster and watches the red liquid disappear in her glass. Nate's hand rests on her leg, his thumb sliding over her skin gently.

"Are you still going to the W party at the public library tonight?"

"No more parties for me," she sets her money down for the drink and packs up her belongings. "I'm just going to finish some work and spend the night recovering from last night."

"Well if you change your mind," Nate smiles, pressing a gentle kiss to her cheek, "I'll be there."

Blair nods and hurries to the office, her buzz from the bloody mary not entirely hitting her until she's sitting at her desk trying to focus on her work. She tries to write but nothing comes out. Now she knows what Dan must feel like on a daily basis. Dan doesn't come into work which doesn't surprise her. When the end of the day rolls around, Blair tries to sneak past Epperly's office, but hears her voice ring out into the hallway.

"Blair! Do you have your color trends piece?"

She takes a deep breath and steps into the office, "I'm in the final stages. I'll email it to you by tonight."

Epperly shrugs, taking a sip from her coffee. The party is tonight, which means editors don't care what happens tonight as long as they're drunk.

"I don't worry about you, Blair."

"Speaking of which," she jumps on the opportunity in front of her, "I wanted to talk to you about the Middleton interview. I've almost finished my questions, but do we have a list of restricted topics?"

Epperly furrows her brow, flipping through files carefully. "I thought Dan would've told you. I gave him the interview."

Blair feels like the wind has been knocked out of her. She squeezes her eyes shut and re opens them, in hopes that this is just some drunken hallucination but Epperly is still standing in front of her, the same expectant look on her face.

"But, why? He and I agreed it would be mine."

"I guess the agreement was one sided," she says carelessly, "I asked him who would take it yesterday and he told me he should get it."

Blair tells herself that Dan would never do something like that to her, but it feels like reality is slapping her in the face. He would've done anything for that promotion, anything to prove to Serena and just about everyone else that he can be successful, more successful than his dad ever was.

"Goddamn Brooklyn Benedict Arnold," she mumbles and rushes out of the office, shoving her work into her bag. She climbs into her town car, fuming.

xo

Blair pulls on her tightest black dress and her highest nude pumps with one goal in mind: _to make Dan Humphrey wish he was never born_.

She drinks glass after glass of champagne on the car ride over and stomps up the stairs to the library, strutting into the party confidently. Her eyes search through the crowds of people when she spots Dan standing at the bar with a few guys from GQ.

"Waldorf, over here!" He gestures her over and Blair smirks, ignoring the greetings of others in her path.

Blair approaches him and slams her hands into Dan's chest, shoving him back roughly. He stumbles backward, gripping the bar for balance.

"What the hell, Blair?"

"How could you do that to me?" She keeps her voice low, "You knew how much that interview meant to me."

Realization flashes through Dan's eyes and his face softens, taking a step closer to her. "You know I need that story if I want to get promoted."

"Right," Blair nods, mocking. "Because a position of junior editor at a fashion magazine is sure to woo Serena Baizen. Whatever will she do with all the riches a five figure salary can bring her?"

Dan's jaw tightens, "Blair…"

"You really think you could do a better job than me? Kate Middleton doesn't want to talk about your stupid muppet hair or your 1920's fiction. She wants to talk about chevron versus stripes and how to protect suede pumps from the rain."

He takes a step forward, she assumes to calm her, but Blair isn't ready to calm down. Her strength hasn't faltered yet.

"I was there for you when no one else was. All I've done is be your friend, but friends don't treat each other the way you treat me. I don't care why you did it. You intentionally went behind my back to take something I wanted. " She takes a breath, "I'm done."

Blair turns her back to him and storms out of the party, her hips still swinging as she walks. She hears Dan call after her, but she doesn't turn around. It's not until she's sitting on the steps, waiting for her car that she breaks down. Tears build up in her eyes and she lets them fall, scattering over her legs.

She hears soft clapping from behind her and glances over her shoulder to see Serena staggering down the stairs, a cigarette resting between her fingers.

"Nicely done," she rasps, plopping down next to Blair. Blair doesn't respond, not wanting to encourage the conversation.

"I was so jealous last night, when I saw Dan with you. I quickly realized that was the point," Serena continues, slurring. "To make me jealous. I don't know how he feels about you or what his intentions are, but-"

"Serena," Blair cuts her off. The champagne has started to wear off, along with the energy she had moments ago. "Please."

"He looked so happy with you. I can honestly say that I've never seen him smile like that before."

Blair sucks in a breath. "We're friends."

"You're in love with him," Serena counters.

Blair's car pulls up and she stands, relieved to get away from the party and everyone inside. She opens the door and turns back to look at Serena. For a moment she understands why Dan would love her. They're two people who don't think they're capable of happiness. They think that whatever they get is what they deserve and that should be enough.

"Good luck in Barcelona," she says softly, and Serena nods, wiping her eyes.

xo

Christmas comes and goes and Dan doesn't hear a word from Blair. He calls and texts her a few times a day but never hears anything back. It eats at him, knowing how much she must hate him and when he goes to work and Blair's not there, he feels even worse.

He begs Epperly to give her the interview but she tells him it would be unprofessional to change writers after they've already confirmed it would be Dan.

"There has to be something I can do," he says, but Epperly just shrugs, tells him something about friendships getting in the way of success.

Dan quits his job.

As he's packing his desk, Epperly approaches him, handing him what appears to be a lengthy letter or proposal.

"It's Blair's pitch to make you junior editor. Since you're not working here anymore, I guess you can read it."

Dan skims through it quickly, Blair lists his accomplishments throughout college, and how far he's come since then. He gets to the last paragraph and his eyes sting slightly. Tears, he presumes.

_Dan Humphrey is an ass. He's arrogant, pretentious, brutally honest, and annoyingly independent. He is also brilliant. He is also loyal, and compassionate and he cares about what he does, even if he doesn't always show it. It is an honor to call Dan Humphrey one of my closest friends. It would be an honor to call him my editor._

"I guess you didn't need the interview after all," Epperly says knowingly and Dan just snorts, shoving the paper into his box of shit.

"She cares about you, you know," she nudges his side and Dan feels nausea stirring inside of him. He forces a smile and lifts his box, saluting Epperly as he leaves W for the last time.

xo

New Years Eve arrives and Dan stands at the Archibald party, nursing his drink, hoping to see one face in particular.

"How have you been, man? I haven't heard from you lately," Nate approaches and Dan tries to pull his focus away from the crowd for a few minutes.

"Blair didn't tell you I quit at W? I'm just doing some freelance writing right now. I don't know, it's something."

Nate's brow furrows, "Dude, I don't think Blair knows. She hasn't been to W since before Christmas. She was in France with her dad, recovering from the whole thing with you guys."

"Right," Dan says, flinching at the memory.

Nate's eyes move to something over Dan's shoulder and he follows his gaze to find Blair standing in the entrance of the ballroom, her silver dress glimmering against her porcelain skin. His mouth goes dry and he takes a gulp of his drink to quench it. Nothing helps, Dan doesn't think he's ever been this nervous. He sets his drink on a table and just watches her. She glances at him for a moment, before returning her focus to the people around her.

He is an actual idiot.

When some random tax accountant asks Blair to dance, he takes the opportunity to cut in. Blair rolls her eyes at him.

"No, thank you," she says, keeping her hands on her current partner.

"Blair," Dan reaches for a hand and her breath hitches, "Please."

The other man excuses himself awkwardly and Dan pulls Blair into an embrace, his hand resting on her lower back cautiously. With her hand in his, he doesn't know how he never saw it before.

"I really wanted to-" he starts, but she stops him immediately.

"No talking."

Dan nods silently as they step over the dance floor and the skirt of her dress brushes against his legs. Her eyes stay locked on his chest and after a minute or so Dan can't handle being silent anymore.

"Blair, would you just look at me?"

He places a finger under her chin and tilts it up, but when her eyes meet his all he sees is resistance. Blair pulls away from him, shaking her head and makes her way out of the ballroom. This time he follows her.

"Blair, I made a mistake. I'm sorry," he grabs her wrist and when she turns to face him, she lets him see the pain he's caused. Her eyes are glassy with tears and she doesn't move, doesn't fight. She just lets him stare back at her.

"I was an idiot," his voice shakes, "I _am_ an idiot. The truth is, I could've never survived these past few years without you."

Blair's eyes soften and her wrist goes limp in his hand. "Go on," she says softly.

"You motivate me. You believe in me, and we both know that without you I'd probably trapped in some hostel in Bristol writing my pathetic life story between glasses of scotch and cigarettes."

"That is surprisingly accurate," Blair says and her voice has stopped trembling.

"You deserve that interview, and you deserve that position."

Dan takes a few steps closer and Blair holds her ground, looking up at him.

"Thank you, Humphrey. But I think it's a little late for that."

"I quit my job."

Her eyes widen, and he's surprised when she looks annoyed rather than happy. "Only you would do something so impulsive, and idiotic, and-"

"Romantic?" he smiles, tilting his head slightly.

Blair rolls her eyes, but meets his smile. "Nice try."

Inside the ballroom the countdown starts, but Dan ignores it.

"Everything always comes back to you," he says, his chest almost touching hers now. "I never should've walked away that day after graduation, because the thing is I think I'm-"

_10-9-8-7-6_

Dan continues, "I think ever since freshman year of college I've been-"

_3-2-1_

Screams erupt from the ballroom and Dan opens his mouth to finish his sentence but Blair grabs his lapel, pressing her lips against his. He's frozen in place as her tongue deepens the kiss and she moans softly into his mouth. He should do something, put his arms around her waist or his hands on her face but he can't move. He just lets her kiss him, a groan escaping him when her tongue grazes the roof of his mouth. When she finally pulls away, her head presses against his forehead gently.

"Happy New Year, Humphrey," she whispers and then turns and walks away, leaving Dan stunned and alone. It's not until she's out of his view that he's able to finish his thought.

_"in love with __**you**__."_

**A/N: **_A very open ended ending, mostly because I wanted people to create the ending they wanted for the story. I honestly had nothing in mind, I just wanted to leave it on a positive/hopeful note. I hope you enjoyed it and now I'll be returning to my other stories. Happy holidays to everyone!_


End file.
